can you create space for you?
Photo Credit: Chris Liu Rao Unsplash
who are you anyway?
Most people, especially women, wear multiple ‘hats’ and have numerous commitments that affect their daily or weekly lives and plans. I remember coming to the realisation that I actually had little say over how I lived my life, and it came as quite a shock. I am not saying this about some sort of Orwellian existence, just the realities of my life at the time. Children to get ready for school, animals to feed and exercise, house to clean, my design business to run, after school clubs, trips to the vet, food shopping, cooking…rinse and repeat. These are all very necessary things to do but my ability to change any of them, even if I wanted to, was extremely limited.
So, given the very real parameters of your life, who have you become and does that person bear any resemblance to who you feel like inside? How you see yourself will be very individual to you at this time. If you can get to a place where your outer life is a reflection of how you feel inside, how wonderful would you feel? Building a great sense of personal confidence, will mean different things for different people so I use this term loosely, and with compassion. Many women find that they lose themselves within their busy lives and find it impossible to think about finding the space they need to think about how they would like things to be. Things may not change, or change very slowly, but when you know where you want to go, perhaps you can make small moves that will all add up.
The way you approach this question will be influenced by the sort of person you are. When it comes to how you see your image and your surroundings, there are two very different types of people when you look at how they live, and dress. So, who are these people? I choose to call them Minimalists and Maximalists. Ok, so I might have made the second one up, but you know who you are…There are obviously extremes within these two types, and I expect that the vast number of people fall somewhere in between. Perhaps you feel comfortable in an environment that is ultra minimal, or conversely you are happiest where no space is left unadorned. Are you naturally drawn to simple pared down lines, neutral colours and lots of empty space, or perhaps you love vibrant silks and brocades, with lots of pattern and content. Maybe you are comfortable in all types of surroundings and clothing styles and choose to go with the flow?
No one can say that one way is right or wrong, better or worse, tasteless or tasteful, empty or overdone. You are an individual and what really resonates with you is right for you, regardless of what the self-proclaimed stylists, influencers and supposed arbiters of taste think and expound, loudly, ad nauseam!! Knowing where you are in this design spectrum is fundamental to finding your place of ease, not easy, ease, they are very different concepts. If you can find a style or way of doing things that flows, then you are well placed to create an image and an environment that feels right. Something you can replicate without effort, that will please both you and those around you, that shows the world who you are and what you stand for, and that can take you through life in a way that lights a flame deep inside.
making it work
Photo credit: Alyssa Anton Unsplash
Living in cluttered surroundings will probably be a constant challenge if you really want to wear white all day. Do you want to have spacious glass shelves to show off the single piece of art you would love to own? Conversely, living in an empty monochrome hotel room type of environment might make you feel very uneasy if you love to be surrounded by memories, vibrancy and colour.
Think how this idea works with your clothes and your image. Having a wardrobe of bright colourful clothes that you’ve bought because they’re fashionable, or your friend looks great in them, will mean that you are struggling to find something to wear if your taste is for blue jeans and navy cashmere jumpers. Perhaps you have a whole wardrobe full of black because you need to wear it for work (or you think it makes you look slimmer), but in reality, you feel so much happier in long floral clothes.
In your wider environment, is your pantry full of exotic spices that have been used once, because you would really much prefer to eat a less flavoursome diet? Or perhaps your family won’t experiment beyond burgers and chips and your ideal would be a spicy Thai curry that they sadly won’t countenance? Creating a balance in your life where the things you have are used often, saves time, money and space. We all have things that take up space in our worlds, but are rarely if ever used. Consider where you are on this imaginary minimal /maximal scale. Can you find a way to bring your natural inclination into your everyday life? Doing so will probably change how you feel about yourself and how you interact with others, while giving yourself some space to be you.
Don’t quite know what you would really like, or where you stand? Why not do some research? Can you take inspiration from places you visit, people you know or see in the media? Why not look at magazines, explore images and ideas on the internet, create boards on Pinterest, or create physical image and vision boards until you start to recognise what appeals to you and why. This is obviously not a closed conversation, and nor should your constant evolution ever be considered ‘done’ or ‘finished’. Finding a balance, in any way that suits you and fits in with your life, will help you develop the environment and image that you have imagined, and keep you from being derailed. While this may be the aim, enjoying the process is important and being content as a work in progress is a great idea.
Can you take a minute to ask yourself what matters to you? What are your short, or long-term goals and aims, are you an all or nothing person, or are you happy to take things one small step at a time? Are you longing to meditate for 3 hours before breakfast, or are you happy just to get out of the door in matching shoes? Again, whatever approach you take, or are able to take at the moment, is fine. Everyone will have a different answer, and different reason for their choices. If it matters to you that you have a more cohesive wardrobe, then explore your ideal image and do the decluttering. If you want to find more time to spend doing what you want, work on a strategy to streamline your life. Can you stop doing the things that are either unnecessary, or that you plain don’t want to do? Getting some of the seemingly peripheral things in your life organised in a way that works for you, will add to your sense of wellbeing and build your confidence. Think of your life as a whole, made up of lots of small elements. Small elements that when the niggles are addressed, can make a huge difference to how you feel.
In the example I gave earlier, the decisions that led to me existing in my life were largely unconscious, not surprising, but as the result of other previous decisions that had come to govern almost all my time. Children need to go to school, work needs to be done, animals need feeding, houses need cleaning, vets’ appointments need attending, shopping needs to be done etc etc. I wouldn’t change much, but it was certainly enlightening to see that 99% of the time I had no real choice in what I did. You may be in a similar position, or you may have a completely different set of personal circumstances. When you think about who you are anyway, (who you are now, not who you were, or who you want to become), it might be a good idea to look at how you got here and whether you were, or are ,missing in action. This isn’t a quiz or a competition, just a question to ponder from time to time.
We are told we can have it all. Is this a modern myth? I know that I am I not unusual. I know this is how most women have felt (or are still feeling) at some time in their lives. Finding a balance and feeling better about yourself in any period of your life is a real aspect of self care, something that we ignore at our peril. Feeling good, and feeling confident can go a long way to making your life flow, and help your interactions with your friends and family. My many years as a designer, stylist and creative means that I have a lot of experience working closely with women and how they want to present themselves, so my focus will always be around image and design. However, I have also learnt that the pertinent themes run through most people’s lives in some way, at some times, like a constant thread. We all think something is only happening to us, but when you ask around, many people share very similar experiences. Getting lost in your life is a common dilemma, trust me.
Personally I was definitely missing in action. I was there, I was busy all day every day, but had I got my act together, was I happy and confident? No, I was not! I had everyone else’s act together, but my act was playing second or third or fourth fiddle. Why would any sane person make sure that the rabbits were fed before herself??? Think about where you are in your life and would being more present, rather than being missing in action, help both you and those around you. Ask your nearest and dearest if they’d like a happy vibrant relative or friend, or whether they’d prefer a living breathing shell? Hopefully they would all pick option one, (if they pick the second option then you probably need more help than I will ever be able to offer!).
Photo credit: Mika Beaumeister Unsplash
appreciation not imitation
What can be very useful when you are wondering how these ideas might work in your life is by developing an appreciation of the things you see around you. Does someone on TV have a lovely jacket that might work well for you? Rather than expend time and effort to find the exact model, why not be more analytical and think about what attracts you. Is it the colour, shape or fabric? Can you replicate the look with clothes you already have, or can you find a variation that suits you better and that is within your budget? What about taking time to discover what you like about an interior design idea, or a garden planting scheme? Appreciation is a win win, you get inspiration from the things you see, and you get the chance to put your own creative stamp on the finished product, whether that product is you, or something in your life.
“Is imitation the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness?” (Slightly changed from a quote by Oscar Wilde).
From the quote above, imitation (unless that is your job), can be seen as something that people do, to pay homage to others who are deemed to be better, in whatever form. But who on earth has the right to decide what or who is either mediocre or great? In reality, how can you possibly attempt to imitate someone else? If it is their personality you want to emulate, then that’s not going to work right from the start, and if it is their trappings, aren’t you always on catch up, on the back foot?
Reflecting who you are, and importantly who you want to be, within your image and your world, needn’t be a monumental task, whatever it feels like. Taking moments of self care so you gain a good idea of what you do want your life to look like, is a great place to start. Can you identify what sort of environment fills you with joy? Think about an empty shelf, do you want that single ornament or a mass of photographs and vases? Do you want a pared down collection of co-ordinating clothes, or are you excited by a wide array of colours and designs? You have the answers within you, and although you might not have the ability to make the changes you would like at the moment, having a vision and an aim is a great place to start.
All rights reserved. Milly Churchill asserts the right to be identified as the author of this work.